Throughout March and some of April, yours truly embarked on a rock and roll adventure as the new bass player of Brooklyn metal band, The Giraffes. The band toured in support of their sublime new album Prime Motivator, which will probably be released on some sort of label in the not-too-distant future. This is the first of a four-part recap of the tour, leading up to our Welcome Home show at the Mercury Lounge, Saturday, April 12th. Hint, hint.

You see, the original idea was to blog from the road. I'd have my snappy new laptop, and I'd no doubt be able to crash some wireless service and post new reports each day. Alas, my new laptop arrived at my place the day of the tour ... four hours after we'd left. So, instead, it's happy recap time.

For reference, the Giraffes are:

Damien (guitar, resident nut case, guy who got shot at the White Castle on Metropolitan Avenue back in 2002)

Aaron (singer, graphic designer, guy who had two heart attacks back in 2004, got fitted with a 30,000-volt defribulator, then suffered another heart attack one week before the tour. Seriously.)

Drew (drummer, driver, voice over and impression-master, former host of Tricked Out)

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Wednesday, March 5^th – Red & Black, , w/ Goes Cube:

The first show of the tour was only my 2^nd with the band. Playing with Goes Cube was a good way to get things started, especially considering how unbelievably hammered they were. And, they did interviews with each individual Giraffe. Beyond their rousing performance – in front of your typically jaded DC crowd – the highlight was, upon stepping outside for some fresh air, seeing a homeless guy washing and shammying a Lexus parked in front of the club. And doing a hell of a job of it too. Damien would later call DC "Home of the Homeless."

Hear Goes Cube's interviews with each Giraffe here.

Dave (Goes Cube), who's not actually
a 'nam vet, in full Barbara Walters-mode

Thursday, March 6^th – The Underground @ Guilford College,

Playing the cafeteria of a Quaker college sort of makes its own punch-line, no? We had a radio interview during which we weren't allowed to swear, not even the word "suck", due to the conservative nature of the area. And the campus had a pretty strict no-booze policy. But, student activity budget money is nothing to sneeze at, even if it meant enduring an hour and 40 minute long set by some crummy country rock band from before we even got to go on stage. Seriously, 1:40. They may have played 30 songs. Dumb fucking hicks didn’t even watch our set afterwards. We finally climbed on stage around after getting quite polluted on the sly, and played a lengthy set to a still-healthy, entertainment-starved crowd.

As for the radio, we were interviewed by Park, 's rock history professor (seriously), who used to work for Rolling Stone. If you were wondering if the Giraffes could go an hour without swearing, the answer is yes. Barely. In fact, it would've gone perfectly, hadn't Park played the Giraffes hit "Man U", which includes the refrain "you're going home in a fucking ambulance." The phone rang almost instantly as Park lunged for the faders.

Request the Giraffes at the nation's 6th-ranked college radio station and the 1,900 watt blowtorch of the greater area, WQFS.

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Friday, March 7^th – The Pond,

Technically, this last-second, date-filling booking wasn’t even but a suburb thereof (). At a bar in a strip mall. Oh, and it snowed. Four inches. That had the city pretty much paralyzed. The club's drink policy was quirky too: band members get 20% off. So, i was paying $3.20 for beer. I took some gratification in making the bartender make change, and leaving 80 cent tips.

Despite my normally assiduous note-taking, i remember virtually nothing else about this gig, other than playing darts with Aaron on-stage during an extended guitar breakdown. They get better from here, i swear.

Saturday, March 8^th – One Eyed Jack's,

Also, note the torch.

There's a yellow "Baby-On-Board" style sign in the back passenger window that originally read "Believer on Board", complete with a foreboding-looking Christian cross. Seems as if, on a previous tour, one of those wise guys in Goes Cube crossed out "Believer" with a black sharpie and wrote "Gays" in its place. So, yeah, "GAYS ON BOARD." At no point was this funnier than when we arrived in New Orleans.

We were two blocks from One Eyed Jacks, the club in the French Quarter where we were scheduled to play, when we were rerouted due to a nighttime parade. After a series of indifferent cops failed to give us much information on how to get to our destination, we made a turn on , where a firetruck and a cop car were driving slowly through the crowd, helping to clear revelers from the streets, who were there in honor of St. John, whoever that was. "Perfect" we thought (i was at the wheel incidentally, and had to pee really badly).

But, before long, a couple of cars turned off, and it soon became clear though that we were, essentially, *in* the parade. Drunk men cheered and women tossed flowers, until they got a good glance at "GAYS ON BOARD", at which point, well, we started to hear it. A lot. "Fucking FAGGOTS" and things like that. For the roughly 45 minutes we spent rearing up the parade, hearing all kinds of colorful invective, as we egged on as many drunks as possible. Finally the cop we were following, of Chinese descent, came out of his car, right when we got a mere block from the club, and said, in an accent that sounded exactly like someone making fun of Chinese accents, "YOU NO PART OF PARADE, YOU LEAVE NOW." He then walked back to his car, and proceeded to do nothing as we slowly followed him the remainder of the way.

We opened for Blue Cheer, who are famous for their acid rock version of "Summertime Blues" back in, i think, 1968. My pop was psyched to hear about this. Those cats were pretty burnt out, and they were pretty cool, and pretty goddamn loud during soundcheck. The bassist’s rig was as big as a school bus. Their drummer did a 25 minute drum solo, apparently, which we missed, as we were at a nearby strip club during their set.

We spent the next 36 hours completely obliterated. Get the story on "Bruggan Sunday" here.

Across the street from where we stayed in N.O.
Yes, there's still plenty of buildings like this in town.

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Part II: South, West, South-by-Southwest