Hello, and welcome to the penultimate installment of "Gays on Board: The Giraffes on Tour." I'm your host, bass player Jens Carstensen. Just last night in fact, we hopped right back in the van and played a show in Boston. The other acts (We're All Gonna Die, Deprogrammer and The Darker Hues) helped comprised a memorable four-head dude-rock hydra that set Boston (or Allston, at least). Good looking dames in that town too, we must say. Beer was thrown, chairs were broken, equipment failed, soundguys were irate, touring bands got paid poorly, interviews came out oblique and we beat town faster than Grady Little.

En route to the show, we ate at a strange restaurant / bookstore on 84, on the Connecticut / Massachusetts border. When you order a meal, you get three free books. I selected a Family Circus compendium that Damien soon took the bic too, turning it into a tome of incredibly filthy jokes. Aaron got an illustrated book on AIDS. Damien picked out a book on stretching that seems quite helpful actually, especially considering the van is now a rolling infirmary / petri dish.

Anyhoo, We got back in at 5 am, i just got up now, and it's time to address your questions about the Midwest. Without further ado ...

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Wednesday, March 25th - Soundpony, Tulsa, OK

We left L.A. Tuesday afternoon at 2pm. We had to be in Tulsa, OK the following night for a show. The drive is 23 hours. I was behind the wheel for 18 of it. But, being an old "Hee Haw" fan, it was nice to pull up to the club and see this on the sidewalk:

The whole street was a mini-walk of fame for Grand Ol' Opry-era country musicians.

The show was fine.

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Thursday, March 26th - The Creepy Crawl, St. Louis, MO

Friday morning - a cold grey early spring day - found us in the parking lot of a Residence Inn in busted, destroyed St. Louis Damien was looking at a Hustler and talking to his mom on the phone. Drew was in the drivers seat, eating spray cheese straight from the can. Aaron, sitting shotgun, was scrambling to get any details about our last-second venue change for our show in Cuhady, WI, a suburb of Milwaukee.

We had woken up on the floor of someone else’s suite. A nice couple of Superfans, who had traveled from KC, via Amtrak, to see the show, were kind enough to put us up. After attempting to navigate the streets of St. Louis, for well over an hour, we finally found the hotel, around 3 am. Aaron, for reasons only known to him, slept in the van. The three of us, and our hosts, ordered two doughy pizzas and two six-packs of Bud, most of which never got drinked. We watched some Adult Swim. Damien and Drew peed in the kitchen sink, then we all passed out.

Here's hoping the Giraffes gave that kind couple a night to remember!

Last Night's Party

(Yes, i have a more explicit photo, but this is a family website)

An aside: It was actually in St. Louis that i was introduced to Superfan Chris, who drove from Peoria, IL to see us in St. Louis, Milwaukee, Minneapolis and Chicago. The only Superfan to rival him - that i've encountered, anyway - is Lydia, from LA, who saw us there, San Diego, Austin, and is coming to our show at the Mercury Lounge tomorrow. Damn.

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Friday, March 27th - Vnuk's, Cudahy, WI

This night was kinda like "Metalocalypse" without the jokes.

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Saturday, March 28th - Stasiu's, Minneapolis, MN

First off, behold the majesty of these urinals:

Okay, the picture doesn't quite capture it, but you can say the same thing about the Grand Canyon. These bad boys are close to 6 feet tall, and rumors about about their significance, including their being the oldest urinals in the U.S., and that they have their own website.

Lest you think i'm talking about these urinals to deflect attention from a lackluster show, no, quite the contrary, this was one of the most fun sets, clubs and towns of the whole tour. I'd go back here in a heartbeat.

In fact, the only thing that really went wrong during our stay in the Twin Cities was breakfast. You’ve eaten at a Perkins lately? Holy shit, that’s some hot garbage.

Headline from a local paper: PUERTO RICAN PLEADS NOT GUILTY

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Sunday, March 29th - The Annex, Madison, WI

My grandpa lives in Madison, though not in the winter. A charming town, and the people are friendly. Last summer, for my birthday, Jackie took me to a huge telescope at the University of Wisconsin, and we got a close up look at Jupiter and four of its moons. Then we went out for Manhattans. But that was last summer.

I remember next to nothing about this show.

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Monday, March 30th - Vaudeville Mews, Des Moines, IA

The best part of waking up,
is Rigor Mortis in your face

I woke up Tuesday morning on the floor of an unheated recording studio in southeast Des Moines. The first thing i saw when i woke up was a big black banner on the far wall, over a big drum set, that read "Rigor Mortis." The o’s were skulls and the remainder of the letters were comprised of bones, somehow even incorporating the dot on the i. The floor was a tan shag carpet, that had long lost its shaggy quality. There was the occasional cigarette butt and guitar pick on the ground. There is a couple of chicken bones by my head, even though none of us ate chicken last night. No natural light seeped into the building anywhere. There’s no functioning bathroom, so i dumped the remaining contents of a nearby vitamin water bottle and peed in it.

Seriously, a contender for best show of the tour. Which is funny, because the spot got booked the Thursday before; we got slapped on the end of a hardcore matinee. Word got out though, and Des Moines repped hard. We followed a Canadian band called Into Eternity, who had some big riffage and a vocalist with an insane range, effortlessly switching from low, gurgling Cookie Monster vocals to a high-pitched opera metal squeal. They wrapped up around 9, and we weren’t due on until 10.30, at which point, the hardcore fans stuck around and got wasted, and new faces started to trickle into the building. By the time we took the stage, having been fed a steady diet of Jameson shots, i could barely stand. An excellently fun night, and, since i was the one who booked it, i’m relieved it was worth the drive.

Blown. Out.

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Next stop: Chicago, Ohio, this Saturday night in New York City. Read Part I here. And Part II is here. And Part IV is coming soon, i swear. And forgetteth not ...

Want to email somebody a link to this photo?