Dear [club / booker / promotor],

On behalf of my band(s), i'd like to personally thank you for your latest offer to play your club / night, as well as the lengthy list of dates you have once again included. I regret i'll have to pass, once again.

No offense, but it seems strange that, in a city so overrun with bands and musicians as NYC, you would have such trouble filling your nights. This is why i feel compelled to point out a few things, from a musician to someone looking for musicians, that may aid you in your future efforts.

For starters, casting a dragnet for bands with the proviso "must be able to bring (x) amount of people" is not exactly putting your best foot forward. This is a bit equivalent to:

Schlubby guy seeks girlfriend. Must have HUGE tits.

Mind you, i could probably hold up my end of the bargain in terms of draw (or tits), if you were offering a desirable time slot and / or a bill with like-minded bands. "Tuesday Night $7 Crapshoot" though, different story. How am i supposed to get excited about this (or promote this)? What decent-drawing band would subject themselves to this?

And, most importantly, what exactly is your club or the night you book bringing to the table? Other than an open door and a willingness to pocket money? I'm a little stumped.

Now, you know this as well as i: even though it may not be right or just, BANDS ARE LAZY AND ENTITLED. Let's look at it this way:

* Bands are willing to play unpaid shows
* Bands are willing to play with bands they've never heard of that probably don't sound like them
* Bands are willing to subject their fans to inferior clubs
* Bands are willing to pay $50 for vans and schlep all of their equipment

But, bands are NOT willing to do more than one of those things. Two, in extreme exceptions such as being paired up with a major act, or trying to break in to a club much more desirable than your place. Bands that are willing to do all this crap sure as hell aren't drawing 20-25 people on a Tuesday night.

Besides, bands have the luxury of being lazy and entitled, because most bands never make money and can carry on for a good long time without it, almost like a cockroach. If your club doesn't make money, however, well, you're about to get turned into a Blimpie.

With this honest assessment of the nature of the club / band dynamic, let's instead see how you, the venue, can make yourself a little more enticing, to bands and fans alike:

1. Get a Goddamn Backline. It's my experience that a band will play absolutely anywhere, with anyone, at any time, and probably for free if all they have to bring are guitars and a snare drum. If merely filling the stage is your desire, bite the bullet and get a drum set, a bass cabinet and a decent combo guitar amp. About $1400 up front, a lifetime of bands and thirsty patrons for you and your club.
2. Offer at least one cheap drink special. Yeah, rent is a lot, paying a soundman costs money, etc. Conversely, a bottle of well vodka, wholesale, costs about $3.50. A cheap well drink special will keep people listening and dancing to bands at your club much longer, especially once it gets cold out. I mean, i love Trash, but this is probably the primary reason Trash is still in business. If drinks are expensive at your place, no one has any problem relocating to whatever bar is inevitably across or down the street, once their see-the-friend's-band obligation is carried out.
3. Consider having one free night of the week. Bands relish the opportunity to play in front of new faces. Fans relish the opportunity to spend more on booze - at your venue - now that they haven't had to pay a cover. This is exactly the sort of collective enthusiasm that can actually tear people away from the TV on a Sunday night. You know "Free Show Sunday" could be your little theme or something. Get creative!
4. "One drink ticket per band member" makes you look like an asshole. See Item 2. Plus, bands have no problem not returning to a club / booker that they perceive as being unappreciative.

So, it's simple: put a little effort into making your club desirable, and, well, actually, it's probably too late for any of that. No offense, but we'd rather play at Southpaw or Cake Shop. In fact, this note was probably just to say "i told you so" when your place finally boards up. But, disingenuous as it is, you can't say i didn't try to help.

~ jc